It's A Boy!!!

So, I was thinking that 15 weeks was too early to tell. Apparently, not.

The ultrasound tech at the specialists office did a very detailed scan. She looked for and saw all major organs, bones, etc. She said everything looked and measured normal.

Weekend In Review

• My mom came up to visit. This weekend was planned long before the emotional upheaval of last week, but the timing couldn't have been better. We had a nice relaxing weekend, but didn't really do much of anything.
• I got home Friday evening to find a message from a maternal-fetal specialist group (not my OB-GYN office) confirming an appointment that I hadn't made and that I knew nothing about. I freaked out - wouldn't you after what had happened?!? So, I call my doctor's answering service and have to convince the person who answers the phone that even though I am not bleeding and I am not in labor that this is an emergency. I told her what had happened earlier in the week and that I didn't think that my doctors would want me to be freaked out all weekend over something that a phone call could probably clear up. Her first answer was "just don't worry". I'm sorry, do you work with pg women very often? That doesn't fly. So, essentially I told the lady to page the doctor on call or I would be reporting her. I was concerned they had found something they hadn't told me about. I was concerned something was wrong with me or the baby that they had forgotten to mention with everything else that happened on my appointment. I would have driven myself insane if I didn't get to talk to someone. Well, the doctor calls back and the referral and appointment is just to assure the doctor's that they aren't missing anything. They still think everything is okay with the baby, but they want another set of eyes to look at it due to my history. That I understand and would have been cool with had they just talked to me before scheduling an appointment for me, without my knowledge. Ugh, just keep me in the loop - ya know!!
• Tried to take Dylan to a new (closer to our new house) kids hair cut place. It was a no-go. He pitched a fit. He was terrified. The lady there said that she couldn't cut his hair with scissors while he was moving so much, but she could use the clippers all over. Lady, I have clippers with guards at home. If that was what I wanted, I could do it myself for free. What kind of kids place can't cut the hair of a crying child. And, funny thing is that at the old hair cut place, they used cut his hair just fine with scissors when he was pitching a fit (quite a while ago).
• Called to get an appointment and took Dylan to the old hair cut place. He was still a little traumatized by the other place, but after we get him in the jeep (LOL!!), he calms down and does great.
• Looks like we will be driving a little further for Dylan's haircuts. It's just not worth the trauma/drama of changing places right now. And, quite honestly, I didn't like the attitude at the new place.
• Ate Chinese at the mall with Dylan and mom. This is bigger than it sounds. When I was growing up, Mom couldn't stand Chinese food. Over the past little while, she has slowly tried some new stuff and is finding she enjoys somethings she never did before.
• Went shopping for Jason's birthday present. Couldn't find what I wanted, so came home and ordered it. Too bad it won't make it in time for his birthday. Sorry, babe.
• Took a nap Saturday and Sunday with Dylan. It was great.

All in all, it was a pretty good - low key weekend. We need those every once in a while.

BTW, my OB-GYN office called on Monday around noon to let me know about the referral to the specialist. They already knew about my frantic call to the doctor on call on Friday and profusely apologized for the misunderstanding (i.e. referring me and setting up an appointment without telling me).

We found out Monday that one of the twins has stopped growing and has no heartbeat. Actually, it appears that growth stopped about 4 weeks ago, so it was probably within days of us actually finding out about the twins.

The other twin, however, appears to be doing fine. The measurements that were taken on Monday are right where they should be and there was a strong heartbeat at a rate of 167. Maternal risk, other than a higher risk of miscarriage, has dropped due to this now being considered a singleton pregnancy.

I took a couple of days off of work just to absorb the news and grieve the lost baby. Now, although I do still have many moments of sadness, I think that I have processed the information and am trying to focus on the surviving baby.

So, here is a list of positive (though some may seem cold-hearted and sarcastic) things that I can start to think about:

1. I can now attempt a VBAC. My doctors were pretty set on the fact that a VBAC with twins was too risky; however, assuming all other conditions are favorable, they will support an attempt with a single birth.
2. Though I am still considered high risk, I am not nearly as high risk with a single pregnancy as I was with a twin pregnancy.
3. Though my risk for miscarriage of the surviving baby is higher, the doctors believe that since I have made it to 13 weeks with the surviving baby still thriving that I have a good chance of continuing to have a healthy pregnancy.
4. I still get to have a lot of ultrasounds.
5. One of my internet mom friends has offered to loan me a doppler to reassure my mind in between office visits. People, even people you have never met, really do seem to come through in times like these.
6. Potential daycare costs are no longer more than my house payment.
7. I believe I can be a good mom to one infant and one child. I was really concerned about whether I could be a good mom to two infants and one child.
8. I believe that I will be able to breastfeed. I was concerned about my ability to breastfeed two babies. Don't get me wrong - I'm not one of those people who believe formula is bad and I'm not against supplementing. However, I didn't get the experience of breastfeeding Dylan due to his prematurity and time in the NICU. It's something I really want to do, for as long as it works for us.
9. I am not as worried about the effect on Dylan with one baby as I was with two.
10. I will be able to take Dylan and baby out by myself if I need to. I wasn't sure that I would be able to do that with Dylan and twins.

Now, please understand that I would have never wished for this to happen and that I was absolutely shaken and devastated on Monday. I have had a couple of days to think about things and accept that I will not be the mom to twins. And while I was worried about my ability to handle everything, I know that had both babies survived that I would have figured everything out and would have done a good job and would have loved it.

But now, that avenue is closed, so I am attempting to look at all of the positives (even some of the selfish ones) that can be taken from this sad experience. Back in December, I had a miscarriage. It was devastating and there was nothing positive that I could take from that experience. I grieved and cried and wondered if I could risk that hurt again. Well, obviously, I decided that I could. This loss, however, is so different. I can't completely give myself over to grief. I still have another little one who is counting on me to make good choices so that he/she can continue to thrive. I have allowed myself a time to grieve and wallow in my grief; however, I can not allow myself to be consumed by it.

My way of dealing with things is to figure out the details. If I can figure out the details of something, then I know I can handle it. I was in the process of figuring out the details of having/raising twins. I was getting there. Now, I have to figure out the details of not having twins. So, this is where I am right now.